Learning to Thrive

All the Feels: Why Connecting with your Heart Really Matters

Ever since my spiritual awakening a couple years ago, I’ve been thinking about how important it is to connect with your heart. I wrote a little about this exploration in my posts about how I connected with my heart in a deeper way through tidying up working through the KonMarie method developed by Marie Kondo. I’ve been thinking about how many of my decisions in the past were based on duty, or what I “should” do. I started to ask myself if I was actually happy with the decisions I made or the outcomes that unfolded as a result. I realized I wasn’t happy with a lot about how I was living my life. But, I was confident that I could make some major changes. I systematically went through each item in my home to determine if it brought me joy through Marie Kondo’s tidying method. And I whittled down my possessions to things that only sparked joy for me. My home and my outlook were completely transformed. I’ve been exploring how to take these principles and apply them to my decision-making and my overall outlook of how I think about things.

One thing I realized was that our thoughts and feelings matter and they are things we really need to pay attention to if we are going to lead our best lives. Our thoughts and feelings are essences of not only who we are but what we are perceiving in the world. This can lead to incredible insights not only for ourselves but for our community and our world. I’m positive that if we each listened to our own hearts, we’d have a kinder more peaceful and productive world. We’d have more scientific breakthroughs and more innovation in our workplaces.

I realized that when we follow our hearts, we are not only happier, we are more effective and productive. I find that those times when I just grit my teeth and bear things to push through, I not only do less comprehensive quality work, but I also find myself feeling stressed and regretful afterward. But, when I lead with my heart, I never have regrets. Even if the outcome isn’t what I hope for as I don’t finish what I wanted or I didn’t get the desired outcome, I still feel content about it. I don’t feel regrets when I look back at that time. I enjoyed the process, so the process brought me joy and contentment and peace. And I find that the more peace and joy you cultivate in the way you live your life, the more that you naturally continue in that nature of cultivating peace and joy. So, peace begets peace. Just like a body in motion stays in motion. It becomes the natural progression of events. It cultivates and builds a life worth living.

It never fails: when I feel like I need to do something because I’m stressed or due to some other fear reaction, and I have another alternative which seems more peaceful like a breath of fresh air, the option toward the breath of fresh air is always more powerfully the better option on so many levels– not only in the moment but the ripple effects afterward. I recently had some work to take care of related to one of my jobs. But, it was eating into my time with my daughter that evening. I just pushed through with work because I felt really stressed about not having it done. And I was thinking that it would be better to have that done before the next day, so I would, ironically, have more time to spend with my daughter. I was stressed. I could hardly bring myself to just sit and be with my daughter because of these looming projects. So, I took care of the projects the best that I could. The next day I was so tired because I had worked through in stress-mode the night before (which exponentially drains energy). And I stayed up late for the second night in a row working rather than settling down for bed. The next day, I was too tired to focus as well on my work and to be fully engaged and present for my daughter. And it took even longer to recuperate that lost rest– so, for one evening of pushing through, I felt the fatigue and emotional effects days later. And ironically, when I had worked in that stress-mode, I felt more compelled to continue in that mode rather than to feel less stressed afterward. Even though I completed the tasks I was compelled to complete, I didn’t feel better. I still felt stressed. I had embraced my inner stress-mode. So, that became my default mode. It was hard to reset afterward. I thought that I would feel better if I just had the tasks done. But it turned out to be a less effective strategy than just waiting in that situation.

We aren’t always meant to wait to do things that need to be done. So, how do we know what we are supposed to do and when? Why do I think that it was better for me to wait to do my dutiful tasks at that moment? I think it has to do with what the highest priority was at that moment. I knew that my daughter’s nightly routine was my highest priority, so I was working against what my own heart was telling me. I was working like mad to get the other lower-priority items completed so that I could get to what I actually wanted to be doing at that moment. I was acting out of fear. Fear that I wouldn’t have enough time to do my work, fear that I would be judged, or that I wouldn’t meet the expectations of my co-workers if I didn’t take care of my work that night. I was also beating myself up emotionally the entire time, which in general tends to zap our energy and create a funk. The craziest (and most telling) part is that I did this thinking I wouldn’t have enough time the next day to take care of what I needed. I was compelled and thought I needed to absolutely get these items done– without a doubt. But, the next day, things transpired to where I definitely had ample time to take care of these work tasks more comfortably. So, my fears were unfounded. Instead of reacting in fear, I should’ve acted out of love. What would I love to do at that moment? And the answer was to let go of my work tasks and be with my daughter. Sometimes we don’t know what we’d love to do in certain instances. And that’s the perfect time to dig deeper, talk or mull it over, or think about things that just make sense to us. Those aren’t necessarily the times I’m talking about. I’m talking about those times when you are faced with two options: one option makes you feel alive and inspired and the other one makes you feel like your dead inside. As a society, let’s stop playing the martyr card and killing the very life inside of us by choosing the option that makes us feel dead inside. Let’s choose to lead our lives from a place of love and inspiration– let’s lead with our hearts. What do we love to do? Can we learn to recognize what our heart is saying? Some of us are so far away from any recognition of our own feelings that knowing what sparks joy or love for us seems almost impossible. 

Part of this lack of recognition of our own feelings is in part because of society’s socialization towards downplaying the validity and necessity of caring about our feelings and emotions. We hear it (or sense it) all the time as children after we trip and fall: the idea of just “Suck it up, you’ll live.” Or, “you’re fine.” Or as adults, when our bosses treat us in a way that demonstrates, “I don’t care how you feel, just get it done.” And as a society, where culture tells us, “just keep your nose to the grind, and plow through.” Our emotions and feelings are often discounted by people and professionals. From doctors listening to our complaints and implying we are crazy when we express our concerns and feelings. Or worse, when doctors report our problems are “just in our head” (as if having a psychological or psychiatric issue isn’t a valid concern). Or inferring that that’s not something that is scientifically-based or treatable medically. Or even worse, that having a psychological-emotional issue is a second-rate problem compared to some other medical condition. It’s just not true.

We are barraged with messages telling us not to pay attention to our own emotions or to our own psychological state. Messages telling us that these things aren’t important. However, I’ve come to realize that these things are not only equally as important as physical issues, but they may also even be more important to examine, understand, and address than the physical evidence alone. I can remember times in my life as a child when I “turned off” my feelings. Some times were related to ‘not caring’ about racist “teasing” I experienced about being Asian. Another time was when I was left at school for the first time. I can say for sure that turning off my emotions did not make me stronger. They were times of hurt or a defense mechanism out of fear. And it’s only been as an adult that I’ve been able to fully nurse these wounds and tell that little one it’s going to be okay.

So many times we can tell ourselves that what people think doesn’t matter. And we shouldn’t (or don’t) care what people think. However, we are such a communal breed. Humans are a social species. Our emotional states are elevated when we feel connected and accepted. And that’s not a bad thing! It’s how we are designed. We are emotional! Those who can’t empathize with others at all are called sociopaths. At work when I feel like I can achieve what is expected of me, I tend to thrive. When I feel that I’m being judged or singled out, I don’t perform as well. And when my relationships at home or at work are dodgy, my focus, my performance, and my productivity are affected. Our mental and emotional states impact how we are able to function and perform.

As part of my job as a speech-language pathologist, when I perform cognitive-linguistic testing for a patient who is afraid of my judging them, they often perform worse than a patient with an equivalent skill level who feels comfortable and at ease with me and with the task. Or if a person is really anxious, their performance suffers. If their test scores and performance fall below average, they could demonstrate signs of cognitive impairment. Another example is my voice patients who are severely anxious. Their psychological state has a direct impact on their muscle tension, their ability to let go and breathe fully. And they may end up with worse dysphonia. Dysphonia is a legitimate medical diagnosis. But, interesting that when we shift our mental state and alter our behavior, we can enhance or reduce the manifestation of that diagnosis physically– even to the point where we could meet the criteria to not have the condition.

So, why is it that we continue to tell ourselves that these elements don’t make a difference? That our emotions and feelings don’t mean anything? My whole life I grew up being told not to care what people think. And being “different” by being a transracial adoptee, I was faced with the choice to care what others thought (or what I believed others thought) or to not. I’m realizing that for a long time we were taught to “turn off” those emotions, to ignore them for personal or productivity-sake. It’s completely normal to care about what people think, but I’m learning that I don’t need to care about what everyone thinks of me. So, instead, I’m focusing on being selective about whose opinions I care about. I’m choosing my people: finding my tribe. Not everyone has the same strengths, weaknesses, experiences, communication styles, expressive language abilities, and education level. I’ve been curating my life with what I think, feel, and love. And it’s been life-changing. I’ve been figuring out what I love! That’s been so incredible and amazing. And it’s been something that’s been underrated in my own life.

There have been missteps along the way. I have made mistakes. I’ve learned from them. I’ve gotten better at knowing what I love and recognizing when and how I love to do it. I’m getting to know myself more and more and what makes me thrive. This is the journey for all of us, adopted or not. Celebrating who we are and connecting with others in a loving and meaningful way. And connecting with your emotions and feelings is a big part of it. So, lean into your feelings today!

 

xoxo

Rachel

 

The Importance of Connecting with Your Heart

I was recently reflecting on a time when I was at a crossroads. I needed to make a decision about taking a job that I felt was a good opportunity even though it meant taking it even though my heart didn’t feel into it. The job was one I really admired and wanted in the past because I felt that it was a very prestigious and highly acclaimed place to work. Years later, upon returning to my hometown, I approached them to see if there was a need for me. They interviewed me and offered me a job. After the interview, I surprisingly didn’t feel exceptionally motivated to take it. Learning about the opportunity made me feel that I already received experience in those same arenas elsewhere. And taking this role would allow less family time with my then 18-month old daughter. But, I felt obligated to take the position. So I took it out of fear. At each point in the process I felt less and less connected to my heart. Even to the point where after I started the onboarding process, I felt dead inside.

About a year later, I finally let this part-time position go. It was, indeed, a position I had outgrown before I even started. Taking it drained my life energy and happiness. It also took a toll on my home life. Within the year of working there, things happened in my personal life that brought up old wounds for me. Being overworked and overtired, I had no energy reserve to garner my strength to deal with these deep-seated issues and very little strength to fight back, which magnified these issues for me. The job didn’t directly add to my experience or my happiness.

This experience made me realize how vitally important it is to follow our hearts and to remain connected with our hearts. It’s in these times when we are following our hearts that we are our best selves. We are our most creative, most genuine, most loving selves. It is then that we can perform our best work and make the best choices. It’s then that we can persevere through life’s inevitable challenges and keep going despite facing obstacles. It’s then that we enjoy and love what we do and are available to love those around us.

One night before the pandemic rendered us unable to go out to work, I came home after working late multiple days for nearly a week without a break day or night. I was the most tired I had been in a long time. On my way home I mulled over this idea of connecting with my heart. So, when I parked in front of my house, I said a quiet prayer– that I would remain connected to my heart that night. I took this quiet moment to set this intention, knowing I’d be very tired and have a level of difficulty being present, engaged, and a healthy communicator with my daughter and my husband. This simple gesture was so profoundly helpful that I wanted to incorporate it into my daily practice.

I realized my daughter was where my heart was– and remaining connected to my heart helped me to connect with her. I was able to maintain my calm, collected demeanor despite her periodic screams of highly emotional, over-tired cries. I remained grounded in a sense of inner peace. It was a major breakthrough for me and one I want to continue to explore. Now that the pandemic has struck and changed the very fabric of what our daily routines look like, I’m still exploring what the idea of connecting to my heart means and how I can incorporate small practices to remain grounded and connected to my heart in these trying days. I still try to find small moments throughout my day to set my intention, or to say a mindful prayer for remaining grounded and connected to my heart. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worthwhile and something that pays dividends.

You are Enough: Sharing the Message We all Need Right Now

One of the healing messages that carried me through the tumultuous aftermath of my birth family reunion was the mantra, “I am enough.” It was a message I was learning to tell myself in place of prior messages that I often told myself that contradicted that. They were the steady stream of messages that used to barrage my psyche and dictate my self-worth and they were often based upon my fears. It was healing to find messengers like Brene Brown, Oprah, Elizabeth Gilbert, Maya Angelou, my therapist and my acupuncturist and even my lovely badass hairstylist to give me the wisdom to draw out the strength inside of me that steadied me in the fact that I am enough during those years.

Recently, as a new mom, I’ve been struggling with how to tell myself that I am enough. That I am doing enough. And in the space of the worldwide coronavirus pandemic where all hell has broken loose on our lives, how do we tell ourselves that we are enough?? We are under constant pressures to be more than one place (home and work; work and school, etc.) and to be doing more than what we can (working full time and full-time childcare and… and… and…). I’ve read self-help books, gone through hours of counseling, and done a lot of personal work to manage and even overcome my anxiety in the past pre-mommyhood. But in the first years after becoming a mom and even moreso during the current pandemic, I was really struggling with anxiety about not feeling like I had enough _________ (e.g., time, energy, money, resources, plans for the future) or was enough for the people and things in my life. I asked my husband, who is a mental health counselor, how I could reduce my anxiety. I talked it over with my counselor. I did readings. But I was still feeling so anxious as a mother. Was I doing enough? The countless hours I spent typing on my computer while she lay watching TV or playing on her tablet was haunting me. Am I enough? Am I doing enough? It was interacting with my own trauma as a child of feeling like I was without then. And this time, I didn’t know how to shake it. With so many nights staying up late working, my daughter was also going to bed later and waking later and later. I felt horrible about that. But I couldn’t and do anything about that at the moment. In the mornings, when she’s sleeping, I needed the time to work. Late at night when she was waiting for me to wind down for the night, I was still working. And all the while, feeling like I was failing– my jobs, my daughter, my family, and myself. It was all too much.

Then this week, at the close of a late afternoon of a crazy frenzied day, something shifted. A breakthrough happened for me. I was looking at my three-year-old daughter making a squinty-face at me. Usually, when I looked at her, the messages that rolled through my mind were how much I needed to be doing for her and how much we needed to do (e.g. bath time, brush teeth, dinner, get dressed, clean this, clean that, learn this, learn that, do this do that, you know all that stuff) and how much I was failing at it. But today something was different. And I don’t know exactly what was different. It was definitely a supernatural-God-universe-moment because it was bigger than me. It was a raw moment of surrender because I was just too exhausted to ‘try’ to do anything at that moment. Rather than striving, I just looked at her and felt that she was exactly enough just as she was. And something broke inside of me. The anxiety I was placing on myself. All the stress and the worry lifted as I gave my daughter the message I had been learning that I needed to hear all these years. That she was/is enough. 😭

Years of anxiety melted off of my shoulders in that healing moment of clarity. I could see with fresh eyes. I could deliver that message to my daughter in a new way. Out of the challenges in my life and in my situation during this pandemic, something new was born. Instead of striving for what I believed I needed to do to make her life better or easier at that moment, I realized she was already everything she needed to be. And I, in turn, was everything that I needed to be. I didn’t have to do anything to be more deserving of a good, wonderful, smart, thriving child or of the title of being a “good mother.” She didn’t have to do anything to be more deserving of love, acceptance, respect, or praise. She was already whole. I was and am already whole.

If you’re struggling with anxiety or that tension of feeling like you don’t have enough ____________ (insert anything here) today, may I encourage you to surrender? To surrender your plans and efforts up to the message that you are enough. And if you struggle with telling yourself that, as I did over the past few years of being a new mom and especially so since this crisis, take a moment to look at someone you love and send out that wholehearted message of love to them: that they are enough. Just as they are, they are enough. They don’t need to do anything to deserve more love or acceptance. They just are wholly and fully enough. Let go of your expectations. And if during these times you need encouragement or support as we all do, please contact me or someone you know that can remind you of this message that we all need so desperately to hear: You are enough.

 

I’m rooting for you!

xoxo

-Rachel