Facing Writing From a New Perspective

Ever since becoming a mom, I’ve changed in a lot of ways. One way that I’ve been trying to wrap my head around is why I’ve been afraid to write. I think I’ve been scared to be seen. Becoming a mom at the time I did was a bit of a surprise, and not exactly what I was planning for at the time. So, part of me felt jolted, stunned, scared. And becoming a mom made me face many of my childhood traumas head-on. I had a lot that I needed to process. So many of the memories and scary aspects of the challenges that I faced as an infant and as a little girl were suppressed in the bellows of my psyche. I hid those parts away, like the dark subconscious dungeon that they take the troublemakers to in Inside Out. Afraid of what might happen to me if I let them out, I tucked them away, never to be seen, thought about, or even felt. But becoming a mom changed that. I was face-to-face with a baby. I was thrust into the role of caretaker and mom to this precious little one who looked and behaved just like me. Not only did she reflect me physically, but emotionally, as my daughter, she was naturally an extension of me. I saw myself in her. Heart pounding, chest tightening, knees buckling. Bringing home my baby, I was met face-to-face with my inner child– the one that lost her birth mom at three months old and the one that was left on a doorstep at six months old. And I didn’t know what to do. My anxiety was at an all-time high. My brain was so full of worry that it barely had room to think.

Looking back on my experiences as a new mom, I want to tell her that she will be okay. That the worries and anxiety she is feeling is normal and it will get better. I want to give her a big hug and tell her that she will continue to grow and change. And that she will face her fears head-on. Because that’s what she can do. That’s what mothers can do.

So, here I am.

Eight years later…

It feels different to write. I don’t feel like that confident, fearless 28 year-old that was when I started this blog. I’m scared– scared to write. But I’m still writing. I’m afraid and I’m writing.

I’m growing up.

To everyone out there raising kids while trying to raise yourself, I see you.

xoxo

Rachel